barely living.

My heart is stuck in my chest right now. I haven't wrote in forever. There's so much to write about, so many thoughts...so much. It's not like I can't get it out. For me, it's as easily complicated like breathing. I just choose not to write. Digging deep to get that raw emotion that you bury so far away from reality. I hate going in to that cold place because I can never find my way out by myself once I go there but whatever. I'm avoiding poetry. Avoiding everything that has to deal with poetry ; and music is a long lost best-friend of mine.

...what if you believed me?

...we would have been everything I believed in. We would have that beautiful moment that you breathe in. The emotion on the horizon, the ocean, the sand...
the charismatic waves. Absoluteness.
We would have been that early morning thought of complete bliss. That late night wishing that it would never end. That unforgettable second you replay over and over and over again.
That heart leaping suspense.
That first kiss on your lips.
I know you miss it. ...
and even though your heart was never really mine from the start. I still loved with my all...
..and I craved for it so badly.
I needed it so badly. It still hurts....
with every moment that somehow fell in to place, when my lips touched yours and no words could explain how good it felt to have that emptiness filled, finally.
We could have been that moment when you believed in everything.
..not that fabricated lust that you had before.
..not that deceitful substance that hurt you before.
..not that discouraging rough draft that you believed would work.
No, this could of have been something you could have considered,
..instead of withering.
Rest assured I didn't give up on your heart.
Rest assured...I'm still loving you with my all.
Rest assured, my love. Rest assured...
I'm just as lost.....
Just as unexpectedly you lost your belief in love, someone could come along and rekindle that belief you once lost. Rest assured.
Sooner or later, you'll be the first move on.

3:27 a.m

I can't sleep, again. Of course.
My thoughts consume and I disgust myself. I'm better than this...
at least that's what I thought.
I'm walking along a trail but I'm lost. More or less like a robot.
just walking.
..nowhere.
Thinking. Lost.
*sigh*
...this wretched love story. destined to be filled with tragedy that completely shatters me.
I am only human...
incapable of loving and balancing everything that defines me.
define risky. define Rudi.
I feel like a shell. I've filled myself with late night feelings, early morning regrets.
*sigh*
Thinking. Still lost.
...what i'm doing here?
Hurting myself...again, again, and again.
There's a hatred brewing inside of me just waiting to be released. I love you too much.
Too much. I need to write.
I need to vent.
I need something....
*sigh*
yeah, i'm no way prepared for this heartbreak that's coming. Soon.